by Dr. David Fialkoff, Editor / Publisher

These visits with my daughter in New Orleans take my measure, putting me in mind of the custom of periodically marking the height of a child on a door jam. Always pleasant, they are reckonings, not of height, but of growth. Hers, yes, but, one expects one's child, at whatever age, to grow. More surprising is my own progress; an old dog still learning tricks. And then, and this is the point, it is not a question of hers or mine, but of ours. The advance, the real marker, becomes apparent in the relationship we share.

At 26 days, this visit to New Orleans is my longest yet. On day 11 S, left for New England on a ten-day trip including her 20th high school reunion, an itinerary of visits with friends and family from Connecticut through Vermont, excellent cider, colorful trees and thrift store shopping. While she was galavanting, I was happily cat-sitting for her, and also for her mother. It's not hard to be attentive to both cats as her mom, N, lives closeby, just a very pleasant 25-minute bicycle ride along the bayou away. After San Miguel's semi-desert, that expanse of water is other-worldly. As is the picturesque bike path vaulted over by Live Oak and Spanish moss. Most sensuous for this regular cyclist is the smoothness of concrete that paves the way. It is the height of luxury after San Miguel's bumpy, irregularly cobbled streets. It's a very agreeable situation, especially as I get along very well with the cats, each very different, but both attractive in their own ways, just like S and her mother.

Sushi, N's cat
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Looking at S the morning after she was born, N's mother observed, "It's a good thing that she came out of your belly, because she doesn't look at all like our side of the family." Two years later, when N and I were getting divorced, I observed, "If you don't like me, then you're in trouble, because this kid doesn't just look like me." But I'm happy to say that N does like me and that we worked at maintaining a relationship to give S more of a family.

A British stand-up comedian, who when asked by an audience member what he thought of the Catholic Church, after a few gags pointed out that the Church had eliminated cousin marriage. This, he went on to explain, broke the tribal structure that dominated Europe, allowing for a greater identity to take root, the idea of nationhood. While it's fashionable to dismiss religion, there are religious values and ideas that underpin our familiar Western sense of self and society (values and ideas not necessarily shared by other cultures).

The bike path
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My 26 days here in New Orleans have been punctuated by a large number of Jewish holidays. My level of religious observance is not what it used to be, but it's hard to argue with Judaism's bottom line, that experience is unified. God and everything else (except that there is nothing "else") is One. This not in the numerical sense, one, two, three..., but as in whole, holistic, integrated.

This oneness is at the root of what we refer to today as a "systems approach." Considering the whole is still a novel, enlightening idea, as in family therapy, where the "identified patient" merely reflects a dysfunction shared by the members of the family. It is a meta perspective, looking at the big picture, seeing the forest not just the tree.

Skreetch, S's cat
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Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism, teaches that we all share parts of the same soul. (The Original Adam contained all souls.) If you are uncomfortable with the term, consider that philosophers today believe that consciousness at its root is collective. The Jewish passion for social justice: "Treat others as you would have them treat you," stems from the conviction of our all-encompassing Unity.

For me this unity of existence is most apparent in my visits with my daughter. The experience is trans-personal, flowing between and around us, including, but transcending self. A whole larger than the sum of its parts, we are two peas in a pod.

The bayou
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I wrote to a friend, "These visits with my daughter are always a time of self-evaluation. I see myself in a different way, more through her eyes. And I always like what I see. I journey through life largely 'a stranger in a strange land.' Visiting with S is coming home."

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh gave his students the mantra "I have arrived." When visiting S I'm already there, I am home, all is perfect. But paradoxically then also I can see the change I've made upon the journey; I can measure my growth on the door jam. But, all being One, from a higher perspective I understand that the progress I make, the improvement I measure, is really just my coming closer to loving myself the way S already loves me.

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Dr. David Fialkoff presents Lokkal, public internet, building community, strengthening the local economy. If you can, please do contribute content, or your hard-earned cash, to support Lokkal, SMA's Voice. Use the orange, Paypal donate button below. Thank you.

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